An excerpt from The Little Book of Kink…
Kinky sex often refers to practices that differ from the very narrow definition of what our culture deems “normal”. This offers a very limited view and averages and norms are mostly irrelevant to an experience as subjective as sex. Kink is all about exploring your body, your reactions and your sense of self without the expectation that your response will mirror another’s to a tee. Shared reactions are common, but each of our bodies is unique and accordingly, our interpretations of pain, pleasure and all five senses are equally distinct.
Before you explore the world of kink, it may be useful to examine your own attitudes toward sex and revisit some of the myths that often define kinky sex to outsiders. Unlearning misinformation and uncovering the reality of kink won’t necessarily make you embrace kinky sex play and that is not the intention of this book. Learning the facts and uncovering a range of sexual possibilities will allow you to make healthy choices that work for you! It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Sexual empowerment involves the right and capacity to say yes and say no according to your personal preference at any point in time.
Consent is a cornerstone of all kinky activities and you should ask for consent every single time you play with a partner. Do not assume that because a lover wanted to be tied up and rough-handled last Saturday night, that they also want to be bound and spanked next Thursday morning. You always have the right to withdraw your consent at any time without explanation regardless of what you may have agreed upon in the past.
A few guidelines for kinky role-plays:
- Remember your lover’s triggers and hard limits. If there are words, scenarios or phrases with which they are uncomfortable, steer clear of them.
- Be yourself…sort of. Even when you are playing a role, you do not have to adhere to a precise script or sequence. Use language, props, and scenarios that you are comfortable with and do not feel compelled to push yourself beyond your comfort zone. Take your time and make small strides toward living our your hottest fantasies through role-play.
- Get inspiration from real life! Remember that professor you fantasized about back in college or that bartender you used to flirt with during happy hour? Those are real-life scenarios that you can recreate with your sweetie to build upon real-life fantasies. Add a dose of dominance and submission and you will be teaching the kinky role-play 101 course before you know it.
Bondage scenes top the list of popular sexual fantasies, as they allow us to let go of our everyday stresses and focus
solely on physical sensation and sexual excitement. Tying your lover up can be a part of dominant and submissive play that involves discipline, but does not necessarily incorporate pain or punishment. Binding can actually bring lovers closer together as communication, trust and sexual learning underlie each experience.
This educational component of bondage is often related to the exercise of restraint. When your lover’s hands are no longer free wander, grab and eagerly explore, you can teach them about your body in new and compelling ways. You might force them to watch you masturbate or you may teach them to slow down and prolong the erotic experience. You may allow them some slack as you maneuver into new positions or you may use bondage as a way to help them explore feelings of vulnerability.
Being tied up can be emotionally and physically powerful experience, as you leave your pleasure in the hands of your lover, but it can also present a degree of risk, so safety measures are of paramount importance.
Consider these basic safety precautions:
- You should always be able to release your lover from your bonds quickly in the event of an emergency. Keeping a pair of safety-edged bondage scissors (EMT scissors available for purchase online or at medical supply and drug stores) is good practice if you are going to experiment with more complex bondage positions. Never leave a bound lover unattended.
- Check in regularly to make sure that your partner does not experience any tingling or numbness while restrained. Adjust the bonds as needed to ensure proper circulation and unless you are being trained by an experienced bondage instructor, leave a bit of space between your ties and the skin to prevent nerve damage. You should be able to easily slide a finger or two between their skin and the restraint. If you are going to wrap a restraint around or near a joint, it is especially important to do so with care and leave some space to allow your lover to wriggle around a little. Don’t worry! You will still be able to play the dominant role even if they can shift to the right or left a few inches.
- Do not use photos from the internet as models for at-home bondage. These photos usually represent expert bondage scenes performed under supervision in positions that may only be maintained for seconds at a time.
Dr. Jess Says…
You can choose to be tied up or opt to be tied down. Being tied up refers to having some part of your body restricted by a bondage restraint whereas being tied down involves being restricted through an attachment to another object. For instance, you can tie your lover with a wrap around her wrists or you can tie your partner down by using a scarf to tie his wrists to the bedposts.
If you are new to bondage play, progress gradually and begin with positions and restraint that minimally limit mobility.