11 Ways to Initiate Sex with Confidence and Curiosity
TL;DR: Simple, Effective Ways to Seduce Your Partner
If you want to initiate sex with more confidence and connection, try these:
- Flirt by pointing out when others find your partner attractive
- Whisper vivid sexual memories to spark arousal
- Give clear, playful instructions to turn your partner on
- Kiss deeply and often, outside the bedroom
- Use code words to build tension throughout the day
- Watch porn together to open up new conversations
- Be direct about your desire for them, not just sex
- Surprise them in the shower for sensual, low-pressure touch
- Use sexting to plant ideas for later
- Leave toys and lube visible as subtle invitations
- Offer a sensual massage to create erotic momentum
These tools work best when rooted in mutual care, curiosity and a shared desire to connect.
To be a great lover, you need to hone your ability to seduce your partner and make them feel desired. Body language, eye contact, tone, language and attitude are all essential to driving your lover wild, but sometimes we all need a little help with the practical side of initiating sex, so here are eleven simple strategies to help you become a master of seduction:
Highlight the attention they receive from others
If you caught the gardener or bartender checking your lover out, use this as a way to flirt, stroke their ego and remind them that they’re a sexual animal in the eyes of others. Confidence can be contagious. Let them feel seen by others and adored by you.
Reminisce about the past
Talk about the hottest sex you ever had and spare no detail as you whisper your memories into your lover’s ear. Vivid sexual memory can activate arousal in the present, especially when you focus on what they did that turned you on. Want to dive deeper into this kind of memory work? The Sex Spreadsheet is a helpful tool to map out and explore what turns you both on.
Give orders
It’s okay to be demanding and giving your partner directions is the perfect way to initiate sex without having to do all the work. Tell them exactly what you want: Look at me. Look me up and down. Stop your eyes right… there. Think about what’s underneath. Come here. No, stop there. Undo your top button. Turn around. Slowly. More slowly. Now come here. Kiss me right there. Harder. Get down on your knees…
Kiss passionately
It may seem obvious, but a deep, slow, passionate kiss may be all your lover needs to flip the
switch from work mode into love mode. When you lock lips, not only are your mind and body reminded of the early days of passionate love, but the flurry of feel-good hormones promotes bonding and relaxation. Don’t wait until you’re in the bedroom to plant your first kiss — get started early in the morning or make out each time you hit a red light on your way home. Want to make kissing part of your erotic ritual? We talk about this in our book The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay.
Pick a “flash” word
Choose a word (e.g. baby, popcorn, traffic, weather) that will serve as your private code word while out in public. Whenever you hear it, slip away and flash your lover a little extra skin. This type of playful code can build anticipation and erotic tension, especially in long-term relationships.
Watch porn together
Couples who watch adult movies together tend to have more satisfying sex lives, so pick a movie that will appeal to both of you to take Netflix and Chill to the next level. Try feminist, ethical, or BIPOC-centered content to explore different dynamics. And if you want to take things further, grab a toy like the We-Vibe Melt or Mini Wand to add more stimulation while you watch together.
Ask for it!
If you’re in the mood, say so! But be clear that you’re in the mood for your lover, not just for sex. “I’m horny” certainly won’t get you as far as “I’m craving you and nothing else will do.” Naming your desire specifically helps your partner feel chosen. And if you want to lay the groundwork earlier in the day, try texting them a preview. The Sexting Guide offers prompts to help you flirt and build tension without feeling cheesy.
Slip into the shower
Surprise your honey by joining them in the shower. Give them a few minutes to get cleaned up and then slide in and offer to lather their backside under the cascade of warm, wet steam. And if you’re looking for a toy that works just as well in the shower
as it does in bed, check out the We-Vibe Nova, a dual-stim vibe that adapts to your body.
Send a sext
New research shows that sexting is most common in committed relationships, between people with secure attachment styles, so it’s time to rethink this sexy pastime. You can use sexts to get your partner’s attention before asking them to run an errand, but you can also use them to set the tone for later in the evening. Try: I keep replaying the way you kissed me last night or Tonight I want to touch you exactly like you love.
Pull out the toys and lube!
What better way to signal your interest in sex than to leave your toys, lube and other sex props on the bedside table? Just be sure your in-laws don’t plan on visiting first. Looking for recommendations? The Magic Wand is a powerful classic. And for a clean, body-safe glide, try Astroglide X.
Straddle them and give them a sensual massage
When you assume a position that you tend to associate with sex, your body and mind often follow. Climb atop and touch gently and erotically — no deep pressure needed. A light massage can be grounding, calming, and arousing all at once. It’s also a beautiful way to connect when you’re not sure what to say.
Want More?
Explore more ways to build desire and deepen connection:
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