Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Dr. Justin Lehmiller joins Jess to address listener questions about cuckolding and cuckqueening. Why might you be turned on by seeing your partner having sex with someone else? Is it cultural, personal and/or evolutionary? How can you talk to your partner about your fantasies? And should you consider playing out your fantasies in real life? Happy listening!
Before we dive in…Thank you for listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. We’re grateful you’re here. If you’re shopping for pleasure products and want to support our work, check out our affiliate links and use discount code DRJESSVIP at checkout to save.
Code: DRJESSVIP-Save $ + Support Us! No pressure — but if you’re shopping, use our code DRJESSVIP for exclusive savings and a little support for us, too. Win-Win!
This is an affiliate link. We may earn a commission. Thank you! 
THANK YOU! 💜 (for real)
What Is Cuckolding and Cuckqueening, and Why Are So Many People Fantasizing About It?
Dr. Justin Lehmiller, social psychologist, Kinsey Institute researcher, and author of Tell Me What You Want, joins me to explore one of the most common fantasies people rarely talk about aloud: cuckolding and cuckqueening.
Cuckolding involves consensually watching your partner have sex with someone else. When the person watching is a man, it’s commonly referred to as cuckolding; when a woman watches, it’s sometimes called cuckqueening. More broadly, it falls under the umbrella of consensual non-monogamy and overlaps with hotwifing, voyeurism, humiliation play, and BDSM.
But don’t let the outdated label fool you, cuckolding is far from rare.
How Common Is the Fantasy?
According to Lehmiller’s research with thousands of Americans, over 50% of men and more than 25% of women have fantasized about watching their partner with someone else. That’s a whole lot of people fantasizing, and probably not talking about it out loud.
These stats only scratch the surface. As I often remind clients, fantasy doesn’t need to translate into action. Some folks are aroused by the idea of watching their partner, not the logistics or reality. And let’s be honest: getting multiple people in the same room, on the same page, with the same desires, is no small feat.
So what draws people to cuckolding fantasies in the first place?
Psychological and Evolutionary Perspectives on Cuckolding
One theory posits that sperm competition plays a role. Essentially, when men perceive sexual rivals, their bodies may respond with more vigorous thrusting, potentially to displace a competitor’s semen. Yes, really. But before we lean into caveman logic too hard, let’s remember: not all participants are cis, straight men, and not all fantasies stem from biological instinct.
Other interpretations highlight power dynamics, voyeurism, and the emotional thrill of jealousy and taboo. For some, it’s about submission and consensual humiliation. For others, it’s about subverting societal expectations of control, safety, and monogamy.
As I shared on the podcast:
“Sex gets too easy sometimes. A bit of jealousy or competition can shake things up.”
The Cultural Pressure to Be Everything, All at Once
For many women and femmes, cuckqueening fantasies may also offer relief from the suffocating expectations of being the perfect partner, CEO, CFO, mom, lover, therapist, scheduler, house manager… you get the idea.
In this context, letting someone else fulfill one of those roles – even just sexually – can be liberating. As Lehmiller explains, cuckolding allows people to meet needs outside of one person while still maintaining a central, loving, committed relationship. It’s an intentional deviation from the all-or-nothing model of marriage.
“Is There Something Wrong With Me?”
Short answer: no.
When listeners write to say they’ve tried cuckolding and loved it, but are met with judgment from friends, I want to tell them: your pleasure is valid. Research shows that consensually non-monogamous relationships are just as satisfying, stable, and loving as monogamous ones.
If your friends recoil, it may reflect their own discomfort or internalized shame. That doesn’t make them bad friends but it does mean you don’t need to internalize their fear as truth.
What If You’re Curious But Not Ready to Try It?
Fantasies don’t have to become reality to be fulfilling. You can:
- Talk about it in bed during dirty talk or pillow talk.
- Role-play using imagination only—no third party needed.
- Use fantasy journaling or drawing exercises to get the ideas flowing.
As I suggested in the podcast:
“You can feel like you’re experiencing it—only it’s better, because you don’t have to do all the work.”
And if you are looking for a new toy to support solo or partnered fantasy play, I highly recommend exploring the We-Vibe Melt for clitoral stimulation during partnered sex, or the Womanizer Duo 2 to combine internal and external pleasure while letting your imagination run wild.
Discount Code - DRJESSVIP Dual stimulation = blended orgasms Smart Silence + Flexible Fit = discreet pleasure + 14 intensity levels Dr. Jess says: "The Duo 2 hits all the right spots - quietly and powerfully."
This is an affiliate link. We may earn a commission. Thank you! 
Womanizer Duo 2
You might also enjoy the Mindful Sex course, especially the fantasy-mapping and guided journaling components.
50% OFF with code DRJESSVIP • Expert-Led Lessons: Learn from Dr. Jess herself in this engaging, on-demand course. • Practical Techniques: Discover easy-to-apply methods for more connection, pleasure, and intimacy. • Accessible Anytime: Watch at your own pace and revisit anytime you need a refresh. • Dr. Jess says: “This course is all about slowing down, tuning in, and bringing back the spark with mindfulness.”
Mindful Sex Video Course
If you want more resources on ethical non-monogamy and communication, check out our post on how to prep for a threesome or learn about fantasy dynamics in Kinky Tapas with the brilliant Luna Matatas and Marla Renée Stewart.
If you enjoyed this topic, please subscribe to our newsletter and listen to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast for more unfiltered, research-based, pleasure-forward discussions.
Follow Justin on…
This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
