Jess recently contributed to an interview on ruined orgasms. Check out the Q&A below.
What is a ruined orgasm?
A ruined orgasm generally refers to an orgasm that is not particularly pleasurable. It often (but not always) is a part of D/s play in which the Dominant may stop all stimulation right before orgasm. For example, if you usually stroke yourself right before or during orgasm to intensify pleasure, you may stop (or be told to stop) a few seconds early, so that you experience the muscular contractions (and perhaps ejaculation) that tend to accompany orgasm, but not the climactic pleasure.
They can be tied to the physical components of BDSM and/or emotional elements (e.g. you might experience or play with feelings of humiliation, frustration, loss of control, anger or embarrassment). You may also use emotional or psychological components to “ruin” the orgasm. For example, your partner might continue with the physical stimulation that brings you to orgasm, but then say something that makes you feel humiliated or embarrassed to create a dissonance that ruins the orgasm.
You might also have a ruined orgasm inadvertently due to distraction or intrusive thoughts. Perhaps someone walks in on you just as you’re about to orgasm and your body continues to respond, but you no longer experience the sensations or response as pleasurable.
Does a ruined orgasm = no orgasm?
There is no universal terminology. I have heard people talk about ruined orgasms as orgasms that don’t happen, but even the experience of orgasm is subjective.
If we define orgasm by a pleasurable release of tension that is often accompanied by muscular contractions, you might say that a ruined orgasm is not an orgasm, as you’re not experiencing a pleasurable release. Does an orgasm count if you have the muscular contractions (and if you have a penis, perhaps you ejaculate), but you don’t enjoy it? Perhaps not!
How is it different than edging?
Edging generally refers to building to pleasure via pleasure peaks and valleys. It’s often part of building an undulating crescendo to a more powerfully pleasurable orgasm, so it’s quite different that detracting from the pleasure of orgasm as you might with a ruined orgasm.
How is ruined orgasm different than forced orgasm?
Generally, with forced orgasm, your pleasure is not limited. You may still lack control (e.g. your partner may tie you up and continue to stimulate you with no refractory period), but the orgasms are not intended to be limited in pleasure.
What makes a ruined orgasm appealing?
There are many reasons why a ruined orgasm may be eroticized. For example…
- You can play with power dynamics and (loss of) control (and of course, that ties into eroticization of emotions like humiliation)
- The subversion of a socially dominant norm/expectation (e.g you’re supposed to orgasm in one particular way)
- Role playing and/or experimenting with punishment or other outcomes
Why are people into ruined orgasms?
Cognitive reappraisal suggests that emotions like embarrassment or inadequacy can be reinterpreted to create positive or arousing experiences. In the context of ruined orgasms, traditionally neutral or negative feelings—such as deprivation, humiliation, or nonchalance—are transformed into something erotic and thrilling during sexual arousal, which intensifies the excitement.
For others, it’s about D/s dynamics specifically: the Dominant partner exercises control over the submissive’s experience of orgasm.
Some people simply enjoy the sensation of getting highly worked up and then letting themselves down. Disappointment and unmet expectations can also be arousing.
How do you get started if you’re new to exploring ruined orgasms?
Before: Talk about it first. What appeals to you? What are your concerns? What have you heard and what are you hoping for?
Discuss boundaries. Listen to your partner’s thoughts as well. This is all part of the process of cultivating consent. Do you need a safe word or safe signal? It may depend on the type of play in which you’re engaging (e.g. are you using props that might inhibit verbal communication? If so, a safe signal is needed.)
During: Continue to check in with one another as you tease as rile your partner up. You might ease them into it and play with edging — peaks and valleys. Touch and then pull back. Play with hot language and then pull back (like the stop-start method). Rinse and repeat. Of course, you don’t have to build in a peak+valley formula; you can go straight for the ascent. It’s up to you!
When they finally arrive on the edge of orgasm, you can pull back on stimulation (verbal, physical or otherwise). For example, you might stop stroking or vibing. You might cease all physical touch. You might weave a fantasy and then stop talking altogether. Some people walk away. Others ruin the orgasm by inserting something off-putting right before/at orgasm (e.g. some people might consent to words that are degrading and others might want you to show disinterest). Talk in advance about what might work for you and speak up (or use your safe word/signal) if you want to stop or pull back.
After: Check in with one another. Do you want to cuddle? Do you want a snack? Do you want to talk about the experience or shelve the conversation for another time?
Are there any risks involved in ruined orgasms?
All sex play carries risks — especially if you’re not talking in advance, checking in with one another and caring for one another post-experience/scene. When you’re playing with specific emotional experiences (e.g. humiliation, control), there may be additional risks If you discuss your desires and boundaries ahead of time, check in with one another and pay attention to aftercare, this can all be a part of a consensual, pleasurable experience.
