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Relationship lesson from Taormina: During conflict or tension, talk about the pattern you’re seeing instead of personalizing the problem. In a post-workshop debrief, a happy couple who have been married for 26 years explained that one key to their success involved realizing that “it’s not you vs. me. It’s us vs. the pattern we’ve created together.”
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We often rush to label the person when we disagree.
“You’re controlling.”
“You’re avoidant.”
“You’re not listening.”
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But when we shift to recognizing the patterns and dynamics we create together, it makes it easier to see collaborative solutions.
“I notice we slip into these roles…”
“We seem to rush to solutions. How can we tune into what we’re feeling?”
“We seem to be coming back to this same issue. How can we pause and perhaps talk about this differently to break the cycle?”
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They shared that they have to purposefully pause and ask themselves if they’re really working with or against one another when tensions are high: “We literally stop and say ‘how can we tackle this together?’. It’s the same approach we use with our teams at work and it really does help.”
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It’s easier to change a pattern than a person.
600+ happy couples aboard this Desire Cruise make for a powerful hive mind when it comes to relationship insights. Here are a few from day 1:
1. Ask “what do you need right now?” We used to think love meant knowing. Turns out, it means asking.
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2. Say sorry first. And mean it (more on the importance of *repair* coming up next!). Some of our friends wait to see who will apologize first snd they’re still waiting. We’re far from perfect, so we’re okay saying sorry.
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3. Don’t forget where you came from. Literally. Go back to where you met and remember why you fell in love. We do it every year.
I’m out here learning from my clients. This one is from a couple who shared their safe word privately after the group workshop.
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“We learned about safe words in a kink workshop, but now we use them in our relationship. It gives us permission to pause without guilt and come back calmer.”
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Pick a simple word (e.g. turtle or peaches) to use when tensions are high. When someone says it:
1. Stop the conversation
2. Don’t try to fix or debate.
3. Take a short break.
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It’s a reset button for stress and allows you to pause, protect and return when heads are clearer and calmer.
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Delhi, you’re up next. Can’t wait to see what you’ve got for me. ✈️
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