The SexWithDrJess Podcast

Sophisticated Sex & Relationship Advice Made Easy

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Relationship lesson from Taormina: During conflict or tension, talk about the pattern you’re seeing instead of personalizing the problem. In a post-workshop debrief, a happy couple who have been married for 26 years explained that one key to their success involved realizing that “it’s not you vs. me. It’s us vs. the pattern we’ve created together.”
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We often rush to label the person when we disagree. 
“You’re controlling.”
“You’re avoidant.”
“You’re not listening.”
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But when we shift to recognizing the patterns and dynamics we create together, it makes it easier to see collaborative solutions. 
“I notice we slip into these roles…”
“We seem to rush to solutions. How can we tune into what we’re feeling?”
“We seem to be coming back to this same issue. How can we pause and perhaps talk about this differently to break the cycle?”
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They shared that they have to purposefully pause and ask themselves if they’re really working with or against one another when tensions are high: “We literally stop and say ‘how can we tackle this together?’. It’s the same approach we use with our teams at work and it really does help.”
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It’s easier to change a pattern than a person.

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